(This post is Part 2 of a 5-Part Series titled Abundant Living. Be sure to sign up for my email list so you don’t miss the upcoming segments.)
How many times have we felt “less than” because our life doesn’t look like Sally’s? Or we’ve felt inferior because “keeping up with the Joneses” seems so unreachable for us?
I have most definitely struggled with perfectionism for years. And I mean YEARS. I could safely say for the majority of my life, I have really wrestled with people-pleasing, the need to look put-together at all times, never showing any sign of weakness, born from a fear of what others might think or say of me.
I think it’s fair to say all women struggle with this subject at times, and probably some more often than others. We feel this unspoken pressure to judge ourselves and others based on what we see on social media, Pinterest, Instagram, and any other platforms we flaunt our lives on!
This vicious cycle can leave us exhausted, worn out, even experiencing signs of anxiety and depression! Most importantly, we tend to lose ourselves in this endless rat race of “perfection” that, let’s face it: just doesn’t exist!
So, what’s the alternative? Do we just let ourselves go and not give a rip anymore?
Well, not exactly!
I’m here to share with you the hard truths about perfectionism I’ve discovered in 5 key areas of our lives as women, and share with you the encouragement and freedom you can find in letting go of the illusion of “the perfect life”!
(This post is Part 2 of a 5-Part Series titled Abundant Living. Get on my email list so you don’t miss out on the upcoming segments!)
- Part 2: Our Friendships
Today, we’re continuing our discussion on breaking free from the pressures of being “perfect”. Last week, we delved into what that looks like regarding our identity, and how we can escape those chains of pressure from the world around us and finally live free!
In case you missed it, you can catch up on that right here!
So let’s dive into the second major area we can struggle with the pressures of being perfect all the time!
We have friends everywhere, right? Work friends, church friends, Facebook friends. We sit around the lunch table at work or in the church nursery, and talk about the latest gossip, what our kids are getting into, our full schedules, our husbands, you name it! We scroll social media and catch up with the highlight reels of everyone else’s lives, watching those perfectly synchronized TikTok dances Mary does with her daughter, or rolling our eyes in secretly envious disgust at the 5AM gym pic Lisa posts every morning!
Subconsciously, we take all this information in, and slowly begin to feel that inadequacy creep into our hearts and minds. We begin to feel like a failure as a mom because our kid doesn’t get straight A’s like Abby’s does, or we begin to feel unworthy somehow because our husband doesn’t buy us expensive gifts like Kelly’s does when he’s on his business travels.
Do you ever feel that unspoken pressure when around your friends? How about the ones with whom you post selfies, with captions like “Besties for the resties” or “My tribe”? Can you truly be genuinely, authentically yourself, even around “your people”? Or do you play catch-up all the time, trying to keep up with all the girls in your tribe? Are there things you do just because they’re doing it?
Something my Dad always impressed on me and my siblings is “Choose your friends wisely” and it still rings true as an adult. Being surrounded on a regular basis by relationships who cause you to begin to doubt your worth is NOT healthy!
Now, HOLD ON A MINUTE! There are two sides to this because I’m most definitely NOT saying throw out all your friends!
The first thing to consider is your own thought process about the thoughts, ideas, and information received when around your friends. Do they truly have “perfect” lives which you feel that pressure to imitate, or is there a slight possibility of the green-eyed monster creeping through, looking at the “grass being greener”?
Multiple studies have shown that 10% of our thoughts are actually the reality around us, and a whopping 90% is our perception of it. WHOA! That’s humbling to say the least.
So our own thoughts and heart play a HUGE role in the status and health of our friendships! We will see Mary doing so well with her small business while being a single mom, or give Hannah a “Yeah girl! You deserve it!” when she posts her calm, daily routine of coffee shops and running errands while her kids are away at school, but inwardly we’re jealous. We start to question, “Why can’t my life look like that?” and we may become discontent with our own lives because they don’t look “perfect” like the lives of our friends.
The next time you’re tempted to fall into the “I’m such a failure” trap when interacting with your friends, please bear in mind that you may just be perceiving the story they’re telling as competition. The comparison trap is so real, and one into which we women can easily fall! Even around those to whom we are very close!
I discussed Our Identity last week in Part 1, and that plays a huge factor in these friendships! Being secure in who you are, and where you’re going in life frees you to enjoy friendships with lots of varieties and types of people, without feeling the pressure of having to be, look, act, dress, live like them!
The flip side of this same coin is the fact that reality is, some women are struggling with this perfectionism battle the same as we are, and it comes out in needing to gloat their “highlight reels”. Sadly, there are women out there, several of which I know personally, that are starving for approval, attention, and admiration for whatever reason, crushed under the weight of needing to perceive a perfect life. These women truly do gloat in their few accomplishments, or that of their family’s or children’s, in a vain attempt to win approval or get more Likes or Followers.
In this case, we first need to use discernment in deciding if this friendship is healthy for the lifestyle and mindset we’re striving for. Does this friendship carry an unseen cloud of gloom or guilt, and cause you to constantly second-guess yourself? Do the conversations you two have usually consist of either her reveling in recent accomplishments, or gossiping about others? Or both?
Second question to consider is if we can be a help to this friend. Let’s look at a few questions to ask yourself regarding this friendship, in an attempt to possibly determine if there’s a deeper-seeded issue here.
- Does this friend ever share a personal struggle, or open up her heart to you about a particular topic?
- Does this friend ever weigh in on spiritual conversations or share spiritual growth stories?
- Do you feel comfortable sharing spiritual or deeper intellectual thoughts with her?
Based on your answers to those questions, she may or may not be struggling with that same pressure, and feels the need to put on the act of looking perfect. We all feel uncomfortable at times with admitting struggles, but when considering true friendships, healthy ones should consist of the deeper conversations of relating personal struggles, sharing prayer requests, concerns, etc of life. If these topics are seldom brought up, it’s very likely that this dear friend could be struggling with perfectionism as well!
Now I am not at all saying to cut these friendships completely off, as that is very unloving and not at all Christ-like! But what I AM saying is be discerning in how much time you spend with this person, if those negative feelings of perfectionism creep into your own heart. Perhaps a close friendship with this friend is not the best for you, and the lifestyle and mindset you’re working toward.
Another aspect of this is to encourage your friend out of that same trap by initiating some of those deeper conversations. Sometimes we have to be the first to initiate those tough talks, and it may be EXACTLY what that dear friend needs to perhaps let her own walls down and breathe a sigh of relief that she’s in fact NOT the only one who’s actually not perfect! You may be the hands and feet of Jesus to her, and you don’t even realize it!
You see, our dear Lord is a very relational being, and as we are made in His image, we also are relational beings. Just as He longs for a relationship with each of us, so we also have that innate desire for relationships on different levels, whether it be spiritual, marriage, parental, or friendships. We have a need, placed in us by our loving Creator, to build relationships. Christ is the Dearest Friend we will ever have, and as we develop a deeper love and closer relationship with Him first, we will then be able to pour that love and compassion into others as well!
In Conclusion…
As we are working toward a life of freedom from perfectionism, let’s be mindful that some of our friendships can be those “weights” that hold us back from that freedom we can only find in Christ, and His specific purpose for our lives. These weights can be revealed in many areas of our life, but friendships are strong and can become heavy if we’re not careful!
Same goes with social media “friends”. Maybe a break from social media for awhile is what you need, to give your heart and mind a rest while you heal and work through this! Perhaps just clicking the “Unfollow” button is all it will take so you don’t feel that negativity every time you scroll and see all those “perfect” lives.
Above all, we need to practice discernment and determine where our own hearts and minds are, and not jump directly to the conclusion that it’s someone else’s fault that we feel what we do. First, examine where you are on this journey toward freedom from perfectionism, and then choose wisely in this highly influential area of friendship, striving to honor the Lord and be His hands and feet to the world around us!